Wrecked

God has been faithful to reveal himself to me in every season of life I find myself in. It’s one of my favorite qualities of who He is. He continually meets us where we are. We have experienced infertility, miscarriage and failed adoption and yet God has always been faithful in each moment and walked with us through it all. As I entered into motherhood I expected God to, once again, reveal Himself in ways I had not yet experienced. He never disappoints. The following is part of my story in what God revealed to me through motherhood. Just know that if you find yourself in a season of infertility and are experiencing heartache, I see you. God sees you. Whatever season you are in, I would encourage you to walk in EXPECTANCY of his character being revealed to you. He will be faithful.

There are so many moments in motherhood that wrecked me.  And I mean, feeling like my heart is going to burst. Like the first time I saw their face and all of a sudden I  understood just a little bit more the way God looks at us. Wrecked.  When they said momma for the first time and smiled. Wrecked. When they said I love you for the first time. Wrecked. When I was by myself with two kids and I got my 8 month old out of the car seat, slung him onto my hip and felt the warm ooze of poop slosh all over my arm. So I grab my 4 year old out of his car seat and pray I’ve taught him enough that he’ll be able to help me figure all of this out. Wrecked. When my kids are sick and I can’t make them better. Wrecked. When they break their leg in a football game. Wrecked. When I watch them accomplish a goal they’ve been working towards. Wrecked. When I watched my 16-year-olds drive away in a car by themselves. Wrecked. But then he called and asked if I wanted him to bring me a coffee. Wrecked again and also yes please. PS- this moment is called, leveling up, in parenthood. Parents of littles, lock it down for future reference. Your time is coming.  

When I watch my kids walk into their own relationship with Jesus. Wrecked. 

When we had our first, there were so many beautiful and  also really hard moments. Finding a new rhythm and figuring it all out. Wishing this new baby had come with a manual so we could understand every cry. And you’re doing this all while being sleep deprived and pushed to your absolute limit in every way. And yet, the overwhelming sense of love you feel for them is almost indescribable. 

Truly, I’ve never encountered a new walk with Jesus like I did after entering motherhood. As I looked into the eyes of my babies, I had a deeper understanding of the way God looks at us. It occurred to me that if I felt this way about them, how much more does Jesus feel this way about us? Suddenly, I saw people differently. It was as if my eyes were opened. I would see grown adults with my eyes, but in my soul I saw kids instead. God’s kids. I can only imagine the delight he feels when we walk in obedience to him, when we love others, when we choose the right thing over the easy thing. And then the grief he must experience when one of his kids turns their back on him, or chooses a path that leads to destruction or when we choose anger over love. Wrecked. 

It does not escape me that God is wrecked for us. His love runs deep and wide for his creation. In ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬-‭19‬ Paul writes to the church in Ephesus, “I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know Christ’s love that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” The love that God has for us is beyond the depth of our knowledge and understanding. Quite frankly, it doesn’t make sense. But to be rooted in and firmly established in love is to be in relationship with Jesus Christ. Only then can we begin to know the magnitude of his love for us. 

When he looks at you, He is pleased. Psalm 149:4 “For the Lord takes pleasure in His people…”  So often we confuse who God is as just this entity waiting for us to do something wrong or to misstep in some way. When actually the creator of light and dark, earth and sky, creatures and birds, and you and me, looks at us and sighs…and is delighted with who you are. 

Wrecked.